As spring training opens, the Boston Red Sox are full of promise, with disaster lurking behind every corner. As the 2006 election cycle begins, Congressional Republicans face similar prospects. If you want to understand how each team will do this year, you need to see the parallels...
Feb 22nd, 2006: 19:14:47
Curt Schilling: Newt Gingrich. Curt was the hero behind his team's greatest triumph, but played too hard and it ruined his personal future. He is now attempting a comeback, which could be key to his team's immediate and long term goals. Impossible to shut up at times, he seems surgically attached to a TV camera. His team will need his influence if they want to win in 06
Manny Ramirez: Dick Cheney. A hero to his fans, a villain to his enemies, he brings unquestioned talent to his side. He is a PR disaster, especially with a press that is too stupid to appreciate his talents. Still, he is a lightning rod for criticism, and all that attention often takes away from the mission of the team. Some supporters think he should leave, but there are no viable replacements with such talent, so we have to live with his problems and missteps. His contributions in 06? Anyone's guess.
Theo Epstein: Karl Rove. The architect of his team's recent run of success, he was nearly forced out by power-mad adversaries. Though he is back, no one knows what role he is now playing. Recent moves by his organization have left many scratching their heads wondering if the genius has lost his influence, or just plain lost it.
Terry Francona: Denny Hastert. A leader who manages to do just enough to guide his team to success, he takes far too much crap from his subordinates, and will soon be forced from power for that very reason. By no means an intellectual giant or movie star, he often struggles in interviews, which hurts his job performance. Likely to be fired, but after the season.
David Wells: Ted Kennedy. Overweight, drunk, and prone to foot-in-mouth disease at any moment, this waste was a pretty solid player for the other team years ago, but his years of partying and womanizing have made him essentially useless. Don't expect anything but pain from him in 06.
Mike Lowell: Bill Frist. After a disastrous 2005 where many critics noted he lacked the testicular fortitude he once had, expectations for `06 are at an all time low. Many figure this to be his last season in the big leagues, but he could surprise with a strong showing to really help his team.
Keith Foulke: Trent Lott. A former star of the team, a small injury and a rabid and irresponsible press cut him down from his previous position. He hopes to return to his former role this season as he attempts to rehabilitate his image. If he can, his team will be in much better shape.
Tim Wakefield: Orrin Hatch. Good ol'guy is still hanging around and making great contributions. Nothing like he once was, fans love his loyalty and dedicated service.
David Ortiz: George W. Bush. The current star, he is a funny, likeable guy who is hated by the bad guys. At his best when he takes the fight to the enemy, his team will need a big year from him in '06.
Jason Varitek: Ronald Reagan. Founder of the Modern Movement and strong Commander in Chief, current team would have never tasted success without his many years of contributions. Loves to pick fights with the Evil Empire.
Josh Beckett: John Boener. The new ace of the staff, he is they key to the season. Much will depend on whether he can avoid getting hurt by trying to do too much too soon.
Jon Paplepon and Craig Hansen: Mike Pence and John Shadegg. These young studs are all the talk of the die-hards, but aren't ready for primetime...yet. Keep an eye on how these too develop and contribute in '06, because they just may be the future.
Finally, Alex Rodriguez: Nancy Pelosi. After whining and slapping at his adversaries for years, opponents fear he may win once.
Both teams face an important campaign with old veterans leading the way. Both squads will need huge contributions from their new stars and leaders if they want to win. Both teams could be in big trouble if any unforeseen bad luck comes there way.
Cross Posted at Outpunting our Coverage